Week 9 Picks

After a couple of weeks of crappy games, we’re finally getting to the nitty-gritty part of the NFL season. This week, aside from the Pats-Colts game, we have Cowboys-Eagles which should be a great game and the Ravens-Steelers which should also be a slobberknocker.

Crappy NFL games = Pretty good times.

Excellent NFL games = Awesome times.

I’m officially excited.

Let’s look at Week 9 games (Team listed first is the team I picked):

Tennessee -4 vs. Carolina
Since the Giants are on a bye, I picked up the Panthers defense on my fantasy team this week. But now that I found out David Carr may start I’m thinking about picking up another D. That’s how little confidence I have in Carr. I don’t trust him enough to play a defense of a team he’s quarterbacking. And word on the street is that Steve Smith doesn’t trust him either. Smith apparently called Carr a wimp because he thinks Carr would rather check down than throw deep.

Signs that you’re a horrible quarterback: Your star receiver thinks you’re a whip and Phil Lam won’t play your defense on his fantasy team because you might be the starting quarterback.

Cincy -1 at Buffalo
I know, I know, Cincy is garbage this year. Chad Johnson is pissed off, Carson Palmer is pissed off, Houz is pissed off and the whole team looks like it’s pissed off at Marvin Lewis. But for some reason I see them making enough plays to win this week. I mean, for Christ’s sake, they’re playing JP Losman and the Buffalo Bills.

Detroit -3 vs. Denver
The 2007 Broncos are a team that (unbeknownst to their fans) are rebuilding. They have a young quarterback (Jay Cutler), a young running back (Selvin Young), and they seem to be retooling both their offensive and defensive lines. If I were a Bronco fan I would rather see this team go 6-10, get a top 15 pick and draft a receiver or a defensive lineman rather than go 9-7 and narrowly miss or make the playoffs and pick in the 17-20 range, but that’s just me.

Green Bay +2 at Kansas City
You know what? I liked it a lot more when Brett Farve was throwing interceptions at the same rate as Jay Z was going through bottles of Crystal. I really don’t like “rejuvenated” Brett Farve. I liked “boozehound” Brett Farve, I liked “gunslinger” Brett Farve, I liked “addicted to painkillers” Brett Farve, I even liked the “I don’t care if I already have four interceptions, I’m throwing it in there” Brett Farve. Those guys were endearing. Watching Farve playing quarterback now is like watching one of your drinking buddies getting whipped and start doing things like going to pumpkin carving parties instead of hitting the bars. In your buddy’s case you know he’d rather be stumbling around, slurring his speech and in Farve’s case you see him checking down and throwing the ball away, but know he’d rather be slinging it.

New Orleans -3.5 vs. J’ville
The Saints have won three straight and Drew Brees has realized that rather than try to be a real quarterback he’s better off just throwing the ball up to Marques Colston. J’ville on the other hand got blown out by the Colts, lost David Garrard, and now Marcus Stroud looks like he’s going to miss 4 games for failing a steroid test. These two teams are heading in the opposite direction.

San Diego -7 at Minnesota
Similar to the way a college team schedules a cream puff opponent before playing a big time team, this one going to be a tune up game for the Chargers. They only way the Bolts lose this one is if Adrian Peterson runs for 230 yards, scores 4 touchdowns and Phil Rivers throws four INTs. If that happens I’m going to put my arm in a vat of hot frying oil.

San Francisco +3 at Atlanta
The only interest I have in this game is the performance of Jerious Norwood. I have a huge game against my friend Matt this week in fantasy football and Torry Holt and Brandon Jacobs are on a bye so I need Norwood to step it up. So let’s here it:

LET’S GO NOR-WOOD! (CLAP, CLAP, CLAP-CLAP-CLAP)
LET’S GO NOR-WOOD! (CLAP, CLAP, CLAP-CLAP-CLAP)

Come on, everybody!

LET’S GO NOR-WOOD! (CLAP, CLAP, CLAP-CLAP-CLAP)

BTW: If Norwood doesn’t play well this week I’m going to pay a Thai hooker to give him the clap.

Washington -3.5 at NY Jets
You gotta imagine the Redskins are going to come out strong after getting rolled against the Patriots last week. Plus you have a Jets team that’s starting to revolt against Eric Mangini and Kellen Clemens making his first NFL start against the vaunted Redskins secondary.

Tampa Bay -3.5 vs. Arizona
The Bucs are losing some steam after dropping games to the Lions and J’ville the past two weeks. Combine that with the suddenly resurgent Saints, and things in the NFC South aren’t looking as great as they were a month ago for my 2007 Sleeper Team.

Cleveland -1 vs. Seattle
I love the fact that Cleveland’s offense is blowing up this year -- I’m a big fan of Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow Jr. and Derek Anderson is single-handedly saving my fantasy football season. And you know who’s the Brown’s offensive coordinator? It’s the Charger’s old tight ends coach Rob Chudzinski. So technically had the Chargers just Marty Schottenheimer immediately after they lost the playoff game, they could have just promoted Wade Phillips to head coach and (assuming Cam Cameron still would have left for the Dolphins) Chudzinski to offensive coordinator. Yup, that right there was the biggest mistake AJ Smith made this offseason. Let’s hope it doesn’t come back to haunt him.

Oakland -3 vs. Houston
The Raiders are hoping that the return Josh McCown will spark their team. Goes to show you how God-awful Dante Culpepper is now. Can you believe that it was only three years ago that he threw for 4,700 yards 39 touchdowns and had a 110 passer rating? Man, that seems like it was more like 7 years ago. What the hell happened to this guy? He was a freaking great quarterback and now he can’t hold off Josh McCown? Culpeppers Britney Spear-esqe fall is quite a freaking shame.

New England -6 at Indy
This is one of those games where if you’re not watching and you don’t have an unavoidable reason, you’re not really a football fan. To be honest with you I was leaning towards picking Indy in this one but then my buddy Walt wanted to put money on the Colts straight up so I took his action. Yeah, situations like these will be one of the things I’ll be talking about when I enroll in bettors anonymous.

Philly +3 vs. Dallas
I keep trying to convince myself that Philly is good, but if you look at their schedule they’ve beaten the Lions, Jets, and Vikings. So why am I picking the Eagles against Dallas? Well that’s another situation I’ll be talking about at bettor anonymous.

Baltimore +9 at Pittsburg
I think the Steelers are going to win this game but no way in hell are they covering a nine point spread against a Ravens team that historically plays well when they’re on national television.