Wiping the Puke Off My Chin

You wanna know how I feel today? I feel like puking my guts out, that’s how I feel. Every time that I’ve read anything about the Chargers over the past week and every time I’ll read something about the Chargers this week I feel like reenacting the “Lard Ass” pie eating contest scene in “Stand By Me.” It literally makes me sick to see how bad these guys are playing. Sick to the stomach.

Hold on for a second (raaaaaaaaalllllllppppppppphhhhhh).

OK, I’m back.

It’s like a bad dream every Sunday now. This week we were subjected to four turnovers (three by Phil Rivers) which directly led to 16 KC points and an embarrassing 30-16 loss to the Chiefs. The offense didn’t score a single point in the second half. The defense continued to stink up the joint. And the loss was punctuated by 65,000 or so pissed-off fans chanting “Marty! Marty!”

How embarrassing.

Up to this point, everything everyone who doubted the Chargers have said is true. Norv Turner can't hack it as head coach, Ted Cotrell is less aggressive as defensive coordinator, Rivers has regressed... and so on and so forth...

Look at what Patriot fan and ESPN columnist Bill Simmons wrote about the Chargers this past Friday:

“The 2007 Chargers have clearly given away their ‘Super Bowl contender’ status and become this year's test case for the time-proven phrase, ‘Coaching matters.’ Which reminds me ...

1. A few readers e-mailed me about this: When Norv Turner was coaching the Raiders in 2005, I created a Norv Turner Second-Half Collapse Checklist. Three games into Norv's tenure with the Chargers, we already have six of the nine categories checked.

• Guys arguing on the sidelines? (CHECK)
• Embarrassing losses at home? (NO)
• QB getting sacked and throwing the ball up for grabs? (CHECK)
• Just an ungodly amount of penalties? (NO)
• Steady stream of excuses? (CHECK)
• Players taking veiled shots at the coaching staff? (CHECK)
• General malaise and dissatisfaction within the fan base? (CHECK)
• Local columnists taking shots at him? (CHECK)
• Big coaching name looming in the background as a replacement? (NO)

(Basically, we're a penalty-filled upset loss to the Chiefs, followed by rumors of Bill Cowher taking over the Chargers, from the entire Norv Turner Second-Half Collapse Checklist getting filled before the baseball playoffs start. I think this is amazing.)

2. A longtime reader named Jason created a Norv-related blog called The Coach is Killing Me, named after the story when my buddy Hopper drove Norv from a blackjack table in Vegas back in May '01 because Norv kept staying on 16 against a 10. He's been hired as a head coach not once but TWICE since I retold this story on ESPN.com. As Herm Edwards would say, clearly, more NFL owners need to have the Internet.

3. Everyone keeps blaming Norv (and with reason), but for whatever reason, defensive coordinator Ted Cottrell hasn't been treated with the same level of scorn. Remember what the Guy Who Knows Things said before the season (in my NFL Preview)?

‘[San Diego] is the perfect storm for bad -- Norv as a head coach and Ted Cottrell as the [defensive coordinator]. You cannot get any worse than that. Consider how Laveranues Coles described Belichick and Mangini this week and you'll feel like Bobby Knight felt every time he faced Dale Brown by not picking Norv and the Chargers: 'They have a very smart coaching staff and we have a very smart coaching staff. They basically use us as chess pieces. How they position us to play this game, that's the main thing now. Whoever can make the adjustments the best and the fastest will probably have the edge.' With Norv and Ted, they cannot beat enough of the good chess players. The game is in the details and they leave too many untouched.’

So what happens to this Chargers team the rest of the way? I see them rebounding with a 4-1 run over the next six weeks (KC, Broncos, OAK, bye, HOUS, minny) before the annual second-half Norv collapse kicks off in November (INDY, jags, BALT, kc, tenn) and we can break out the checklist again. We'll have all the checkmarks filled before Week 15. I promise you.”

Well, after yesterday you can check “Embarrassing Loss at Home” off the list. And if / when they lose this Sunday at Denver they’ll be an unimaginable 1-4 to start the season. This season is quickly turning into a complete and total disaster. We’ve gone from rooting for a Super Bowl title in Week 1 to hoping for an AFC Championship rematch after Week 2 to now, just hoping to survive the regular season and somehow sneak into the playoffs.

I’d like to say it doesn’t get any worse than this, but I’d be lying to you. It could get a lot worse. Stay tuned, if you have the stomach for it…

As for the Padres, they failed miserably at salvaging the weekend for me. They had two shots to clinch a wildcard birth and crapped the bed both times. Saturday, Trevor Hoffman blew a save and they lost in extra innings and yesterday they just got blown out of the water. Hopefully the third time will be a charm as they have Jake Peavy going tonight in a one game playoff against the Rockies for the final wild card spot.

I haven’t been this excited about a one game playoff since the Indians and Yankees went at it in the original Major League. Had Bud Black gone with Greg Maddux while a bummed out Peavy got drunk at a bar and then slept with Brian Giles’s insanely insane wife the game tonight would have the similar feel of that game.

Here’s to the Padres making the playoffs!

And unless the chaotic happens (chaotic in this instance would mean Jake Peavy giving up like 25 runs on 53 hits), The Khalil Green All-Stars (the fantasy baseball team run by my Cousin Jimmy and I) will officially clinch our league tonight. Woot!

At least I will have won something this weekend.