Picks on a Plane

After the Monday Night Football game the other night El LamGal and I were trolling On-Demand for a movie to watch and on a whim I selected Snakes on a Plane. I heard about the movie when it first came out and I heard that critics panned it, so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect-- well, other than snakes on a plane of course. 90 minutes later, not only was I pleasantly surprised but I couldn’t believe more people aren’t talking about this movie. I mean, there was suspense, there was high-comedy, there was a gratuitous sex scene that also included drug use, and most importantly, there was Samuel L. Jackson who was absolutely perfect for his roll. Yes it was corny. Yes it was predictable. And yes, it was definitely over-the-top. But you know what? That was the whole point of the movie. I absolutely loved it! How can anyone pan a movie like this?

Later, after thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that there are two kinds of people in this world: Those who like Snakes on a Plane and those who take themselves a little too seriously. Not coincidentally, the people in the latter group are probably the same people who: denigrate a waitress because they think they’re getting bad service, listen to classical music, order things at Starbucks like a “sugar free triple grande macchiato upside down with low fat whip cream and two pumps of caramel”, can’t take a joke, don’t understand sarcasm, only have sex with the lights off, are named “Skip Bayless”, and walk funny because they have their heads up their asses.

I mean, there’s nothing wrong with doing those things. It just kind of shows everyone else where you in life.

Don’t get me wrong. By no means is Snake on a Plane a cinematic masterpiece , but how can you not be entertained by Samuel L. Jackson in his Samuel L. Jackson voice saying things like: "Do as I say and you live"? And of course when he screamed the movie’s catchphrase: "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" I completely lost it. You can say what you want, but I will defend the comic merits of Samuel L. Jackson until the day I die --especially his performance in Snakes on a Plane. What a riot.

What does all of this have to do with my NFL picks you ask? Not much other than the fact that I went 7-9 last week and I have had it with these motherfucking picks on this motherfucking blog!
Here are the picks as well as some tidbits from Snakes on a Plane (team I listed first is the team that I picked):

LAY THESE ON THE WAY TO YOUR BETTORS ANNONYMUS MEETING:

Oakland -3 vs. Cleveland
The cruelest part of Snakes on a Plane was when an uptight British guy in a suit, throws Mary-Kate, the rich girl’s dog, towards a giant snake so that it would get eaten as the uptight British guy was trying to escape, and then yelling “You would have done the same thing!” Similarly, the cruelest part of Week 2 was when the Raiders were about to beat Denver and the Broncos call a timeout just before Sebastian Janakowski makes what would have been the game winner and on the next attempt the kick bounces off the goal post. What a way to lose a game. In any matter, I feel just as strongly about the fact that Mary-Kate should have lived as I do about the fact that the Raiders should have beaten the Broncos.

Atlanta +4.5 vs. Carolina
God only knows how you could give up 31 unanswered points to the Texans but the Panthers did it. When the Texans were down 14-0 I thought they were dead in the water. This reminds me of the time in Snakes on the Plane when they thought Rick the co-pilot was dead but it turned out he was alive. Unfortunately, though he died about 30 minutes later. Anyways, it was characters like Rick that made this movie so good with lines like:

“We're in a two-hundred foot aluminum tube and we're thirty thousand feet in the air, and any one of those slimy little pieces of shit can trip a circuit or a relay or a hydraulic and this bird goes down faster than a Thai hooker. So my job is to keep LAX informed on how totally screwed we are and then find some way to keep this mother in the sky another two hours. Figure that out.”

And

Rick: “Oh my, I was hoping you'd be the sky-candy on this flight. You're looking especially delicious this evening.”

Juliana Margulies: “I love it when you demean me, Rick.” Rick: “My pleasure.”

Rick also says something to Juliana Margulies like “you’d be surprised at what a guy can do with one hand” when she asks if he can fly the plane with one hand and tries to get her to take off her shirt after he gets bitten by a snake. Unfortunately, she doesn’t.

NYJ-3 vs. Miami
Miami’s offense looks putrid turning the ball over five times against the Cowboys last week.

Speaking of putrid, remember the landlady in King Pin? The one who has Woody Harrelson puking after he sleeps with her so he doesn’t have to pay rent? Well, she’s the senior flight attendant on the plane in Snakes on a Plane. And if you’ve seen King Pin and can get through Snakes on a Plane without picturing her doing the “tongue-through-the peace sign” thing, than you’re a better man than me.

Kansas City -2 vs. Minnesota
TAVARAS JACKSON ON THE ROAD ALERT! TAVARAS JACKSON ON THE ROAD ALERT!

My favorite side character(s) in Snakes on a Plane would have to be rapper Three G’s and his two bodyguards -- one played by SNL’s Keenan Thompson. But the only problem I had with Snakes on a Plane was when Three G’s flips out because there was no air circulating through the plane and takes Samuel L. Jackson’s gun and starts pointing it at everyone. The problem I had is, when Keenan Thompson is trying to calm him down, Samuel L. Jackson quickly grabs his gun back but doesn’t shoot Three G’s. I mean, the guy just flipped out and almost shot everyone because the freaking air conditioning didn’t work! Why wouldn’t you just cap his ass?

I’ll go along with the fact that they were somehow able to load hundreds of poisonous snakes on a plane, I’ll believe that Keenan Thompson can land a plane after only playing a flight simulator on Play Station 2, but don’t tell me Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t cap Three G’s in that situation because I’m just not going to buy it ok? I’m just not.

ALMOST TO CLOSE TO CALL:

Pittsburg -8.5 vs. San Francisco
Sadly, Pittsburg was the only team in my four team parlay that covered last week and they kicked about 5 field goals that should have been touchdowns. As for Frisco, they were able to hold off the Rams, but statistically they have the worst offense in the NFL right now so I don’t think Alex Smith is going to do so well on the road against the Steelers defense.

Speaking of San Francisco, another funny part about Snakes on a Plane is this effeminate flight attendant that does gay things like volunteer to suck the venom out of out one of Three G’s bodyguard’s butt, but then at the end of the movie he gets off the plane and basically dry humps his smoking hot girlfriend. Great times!

Philly -6.5 vs. Detroit
You think Snake on a Plane was over the top? Snakes on a Plane would look like a documentary next to this comment by Lion quarterback Dan Orlovsky about John Kitna: “Indy can have Peyton and New England can have Tom, but we wouldn't trade this guy for anyone in the world.”

As for the game, Philly looked awfully bad Monday night against the Redskins and this week McNabb started in with the “black quarterbacks are scrutinized more than white quarterbacks” talk. I thought we were over that like three years ago. What does he think this is, 2004? My guess is he’s trying to draw attention away from his fantasy performance this year as he’s absolutely killing everyone that has him. And if you read a headline in the next couple of days reading “Mexican Girl Slices McNabb’s Tendons” it wasn’t El LamGal ok?

UNDERDOG SPECIALS

Arizona +7.5 at Baltimore
After a poor showing in Week 1, Matt Leinhart had a nice bounce-back game throwing for 299 yards and a touchdown. The Ravens, on the other hand, don’t look too good. They lost to the Bengals Week 1, and would have lost to the Jets had it not been for a dropped pass. Steve McNair looks like a shell of his old self, they can’t throw the ball downfield and Willis McGahee looks like he is about a month away from purposely failing a drug test so he doesn’t have to run behind that atrocious line.

With nothing else to say here, check out this funny line Samuel L. Jackson said at the 2006 MTV Movie awards: “No movie shall triumph over Snakes on a Plane. Unless I happen to feel like making a movie called More Motherfucking Snakes on More Motherfucking Planes.”

Jacksonville +3 at Denver
Mike Shanahan’s savvy / borderline unethical move of stoning Janakowski was nothing compared to Snakes on a Plane and Eddie Kim’s plan to load poisonous snakes on a plane going from Hawaii to LA and put pheromone on the leis they give out to the passengers to make the snakes go crazy in order to kill a witness that was supposed to testify against him. Only an Asian criminal mastermind would go to such great lengths to eliminate a witness. Forget car bombs. Forget going after your family. We’re going to have poisonous snakes kill everyone in hopes of sinking the plane in the middle of the Pacific Ocean so you won’t testify. What a diabolical genius.

Like Samuel L. Jackson said, “They did the ONE thing that they didn't train us for in the FBI... they put SNAKES on the PLANE!”

(Alright, no more Snakes on a Plane references. Let’s just get through these picks)

Cincinnati +3.5 at Seattle
Sometime last week I read that the Bengals were really banged up on defense after a physical Week 1 Monday Night Football game against the Ravens. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to deter me from putting scratch on them on Sunday. Yup, I’m an idiot. I’m predicting that this will be a bounce back game for Bengals. Either that or Matt Hasselbeck will throw for like 600 yards and 8 touchdowns against them.

SCOT WRIGHT SPECIALS (seemingly easy picks that could end up screwing your parlay):

Tampa Bay -4 vs. St. Louis
How about that win for my 2007 Sleeper Team! Too bad I didn’t pick Tampa over the Saints last week. As for the Rams, it’s never a good sign when your team is playing “Shuffle the Line” by Week 2. With Orlando Pace out they have right tackle Alex Barron moving over to left tackle, with Milford Brown and Adam Goldberg as candidates to replace Barron. Marc Bulger is probably pretty happy that he signed that big contract at the beginning of the season. Or maybe he’s not because the Rams look like they’re going to be crappy for the next 2-3 years. I don’t know. Let’s just move on.

New England -16.5 vs. Buffalo
After the win last week there is no doubt in my mind that the Patriots are going to go 16-0 this season and win the Super Bowl. Whether Belichick knows what the defense is about to do or not, Tom Brady looks great and Randy Moss could very well get over 2,000 receiving and continue his torrid pace of touchdown receptions and end up with 32 this season. Their defense looks terrific and will be even better when Rodney Harrison and Richard Seymour return. The Chargers have no chance of winning this year. We should just trade LT for a bunch of draft picks and start building for the 2012 season when hopefully, Bridget Moynihan trains their five year old son to assassinate Tom Brady because she’s still bitter he better-dealt her for Gisele Bundchen.

And for the record in no way, shape, or form am I trying to reverse jinx the soon-to-be undefeated, 16-0, perfect, New England Patriots.

New Orleans -4 vs. Tennessee
The shine will definitely be off their 2006 season if the Saints lose this game. The thing about the Saints is that Peyton Manning and Jeff Garcia killed them with the deep ball and I’m not so sure Vince Young has the arm to do the same.

San Diego -4.5 at Green Bay
You’d think the Chargers would be extra motivated to go into Green Bay, face a young defense and a quarterback that’s been regressing over the past 5 years and just blow them out of the water. So why did I put under them under Scot Wright Special? It’s because of comments like this from Norv Turner when asked about why he didn’t go with his nickel or dime packages against the Patriots’ spread offense: “Our thought was to go keep our best guys on the field. We thought we could handle it that way.”

That one made me slam my head against my desk. Repeatedly. It took me about the first four plays to realize that the Chargers couldn’t handle the Patriots spread offense with their base package and I was at least 10 drinks deep. When do you ever handle the spread offense with your base package? Anyone who’s ever played football on a video game console in the past 10 years knows this. Can someone Fed-Ex Norv Turner a copy Madden 2008? Did Turner really think Stephen Cooper would be able to cover Wes Welker? Crap like this is why I’m a little hesitant about picking the Chargers this week.

Who am I kidding? I’m throwing the Chargers down on a parlay with one or two of these teams:

FREE MONEY:

Washington -3 vs. New York
The atrocious defense that that’s being overshadowed by the Bengals atrocious defense is the Giants D. They let Tony Romo throw for like 400 yards and made Brett Farve look like Brett Farve circa 1998. Their offensive line is beat up, their running back is hurt, and I think the Giants are about few weeks away from just quitting. Without a doubt, Tom Coughlin is the frontrunner for the “2007 Coach I wouldn’t want to be” award after narrowly losing out to Art Shell last year. The Redskins on the other hand look really good. They have two good running backs, two good receivers, and a really good defense. Had I known that McNabb would’ve crapped the bed this season I would have picked the Redskins to win the division instead of the wildcard.

Dallas +3 at Chicago
Dallas a three point underdog on the road against the Bears is free money you ask? The Bears have scored two touchdowns this season: One by a punt returner and the other by an offensive lineman. Take the points and thank me in the morning.

Indy -6.5 at Houston
The Texans have the look of a JV player who’s about to get smacked around once he gets bumped up to the varsity. Wins over KC and the Panthers were nice but to quote Wolf from Pulp Fiction, “let’s not start sucking each others popsicles just yet.” If the Colts bring their “A” game on Sunday-- and they will because the both teams are 2-0 and the Texans beat them in Houston last year, the Texans are going to get punked.