“Saw Things So Much Clearer…

Once you… were in my… REARVIEW MIRROR.”

--Pearl Jam

I think that just about sums up my Week 1 performance that saw me go a putrid 6-10 against the spread. Ouch! The good news is that I still won some scratch on a Charger-Colts parlay. Woot! Remember kids: It’s not about picking the right teams, it’s about betting on the right teams.

Let’s just hope they put that quote on my bust when I’m inducted into the Sam Rothstein Bettors Hall of Fame.

Here are my Week 2 picks (team listed first is the team that I picked):

LAY THESE ON THE WAY TO YOUR BETTORS ANNONYMUS MEETING:

Green Bay +1.5 at New York
Eli Manning has a bum shoulder, their defense gave up 45 points and Brandon Jacobs is on pace to become the fastest player ever to gain “Guy I Regret Drafting on my Fantasy Team” status joining Randy Moss, Felix Hernandez, 2006 Manny Ramirez, and Rich Harden. I think it’s safe to say the 2007 season hasn’t started off so well for the G-Men. I’m just looking forward to around Week 8 when the Giants are 1-7 and Peter King is interviewing a Tiki Barber who has six coats of make-up on and a grin so big you’d think he just ate a 42-ounce piece of turd.

Minnesota +3 at Detroit
I don’t know what games I’m getting on Sunday but I would like to make a special request to FOX: If you guys could find it in your heart not to saddle San Diego County with the Minnesota-Detroit game this weekend I would really appreciate it. I don’t know if there’s a game that would make everyone in my collective group say, “Screw it, let’s just play Madden until 1” but this one would really tempt us. Thanks!

In case you’re wondering, I went with the Vikings because I think the Vikings will be able to run the rock and Detroit won’t be able to score as easily as they did against Oakland last week.

Baltimore -7.5 vs. NY Jets
Both quarterbacks are hurt and I’m thinking Kyle Boller would fare better against the Jets defense than Kellen Clemens would against the Ravens defense.

ALMOST TOO CLOSE TO CALL:

Philly -7 at Washington
I went with Philly only because it’s a must-win game for the Eagles this week. They can’t lose their home opener and go 0-2 to start the season can they? Even though McNabb looked horrible last week, they would have won that game if it weren’t for those two muffed punts.

On the Redskins side, everyone says they looked good last week but they only beat the Dolphins by three points! It’s hard to take points on a road team when you don’t think they can win straight up.

San Francisco +3.5 at St. Louis
If I could take a mulligan on one of my preseason picks it would be the Rams winning the NFC West. “Piss Poor”, “Unprepared”, and “Sloppy” are three adjectives I would use to describe their performance last week against the Panthers. And now they’ve lost Orlando Pace for the season. Also, a couple of more bad games from Steven Jackson and I’ll be ready to introduce the “Never Trust a Black Football Player with Long Hair” corollary. I mean we already have Ricky Williams, Al Harris, and Cedric Benson. I just need a couple more instances before we can confirm this. I nominate Jackson and Lawrence Maroney to each fumble three times this week and Benson to miss the next 4-6 weeks with bruised ribs.

UNDERDOG SPECIALS:

San Diego +3.5 at New England
This is going to be the biggest game of the regular season. You wanna know why I think the Chargers will win? Let me break it down for you:

I don’t care about the spying. I don’t care about last year’s game. To be honest with you, I don’t care about what LT has to say about Belichick or what Rivers has to say about Hobbs or any of that crap. The Chargers are just going to line up on Sunday night and beat the living crap out of the Patriots. We’re going to stop the run with our front seven. We’re going to knock Brady around. We’re going to cover Moss with Jammer and a safety on top and the first time a ball is thrown his way, Moss is going to get smacked so hard he’ll be wishing he was back in Oakland smoking indo and running over meter maids. We’re going to use Cromartie on Stallworth and Florence on Welker and the Patriots “major acquisitions” are going to give their fans a nice big shit burger to eat. On offense, our line is going to maul their line. Do you hear me? MAUL. And since they’ll be loading up the box against LT, mark my words, Vincent Jackson and Malcolm Floyd will have a field day against Asante Samuel whoever else they have on the other side.

To paraphrase Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men: “We’re going rip your head off and shit down your fucking throat. You fucked with the wrong team.”

Trust me Charger fans, it will be a joyous beat down that will leave us looking forward to the next beat down we give those over-hyped, east coast, scarf and glove wearing sissies in January.

Chargers 34 Patriots 14.

Tennessee +7.5 vs. Indy
I was very impressed with the Tennessee win over the Jags last week and while the Colts looked good too, I’m not 100-percent sold on Indy’s defense just yet. Now if they go on the road and cover against a Titan team that always plays them tough then I may change my mind. But as of now I see a Titan upset or Indy squeaking out a 25-24 win or something of that nature.

Houston +6.5 over Carolina
The current leader for the award for “The Over-Hyped Storyline that everyone’s laughing about by Week 5” goes to “Jake Delhomme is looking over his shoulders now because of David Carr.” Are we talking about the same David Carr who has a 75.5 career passer rating or is there another David Carr out there that I don’t know about?

Another fun story that’s been circulating is the “Mario Williams has more touchdowns than Reggie Bush” take. I think it’s safe to say that at the end of the day, Reggie Bush will have more touchdowns than Mario Williams this year. In fact when it’s all said and done I’m guarantee you that Reggie Bush will have more touchdowns this season than Mario Williams will have in his entire career. I’m even willing to go as far as to say that Reggie Bush will have more touchdowns this year and in his career than Mario Williams will have sacks this year or throughout his entire career.

I like Mario Williams and all, and he seems like a nice guy but he’s not even in the same stratosphere as Reggie Bush.

Hopefully somewhere in Houston, someone is reading this while repeatedly ramming his head against the wall.

SCOT WRIGHT SPECIALS (Seemingly easy picks that could end up screwing your parlay):

New Orleans -3.5 at Tampa Bay
I’m not ready to give up on my sleeper team just yet and to be honest with you, I was this close to picking the Bucs to cover this one. First of all, the Bucs were right in that game against the Seahawks last week until Jeff Garcia got hurt and secondly the Saints offense didn’t exactly look like world beaters against an undersized Colts defense. I picked the Saints but I think that this game will tell us a lot about both teams.

Seattle -2.5 at Arizona
Matt Leinhart looked like he’d rather be doing body shots off of Tara Reid in some club in LA rather than playing in the game against the Niners last Monday. He didn’t exactly look like the guy at USC who threw for like 380 yards and 4 touchdowns every game. Still, the Cardinals defense didn’t look too bad last week and the Cardinals did beat the Seahawks last year. Although I’m not picking them, the Cardinals are at home and if Leinhart can get it together I think they can pull this one off.

Dallas -4.5 vs. Miami
I initially picked Miami on this one but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the Dolphins have little to no talent on offense and I would be an idiot to pick them. And for the record, I’m glad Wade Phillips and Cam Cameron aren’t with the Chargers anymore. I thought both were ridiculously overrated. As Wade Phillips found out last week playing Cover 4 every down and relying on your front seven doesn’t exactly work when you don’t have Shawn Merriman. And after looking at the Dolphins I set years Cameron remains head coach at 2.

Denver -9.5 vs. Oakland
The Broncos should win this one going away -- especially with Josh McCown now hurt, but you have to figure in the Jay Cutler factor here. The Broncos out-gained the Bills 470-184 last week yet only won by a measly point. You wanna know why? Because Cutler had plays where, according to the game recap, he “blindly pitched a lateral to his left, over running back Selvin Young's head (forcing Young to punch it out of bounds) and putting the Broncos in a deep hole, facing third-and-23.”

If you have money on a team, under no circumstance do you ever want to see the quarterback blindly pitching a lateral to his left. None. You hear me? None.

FREE MONEY

Jacksonville -11 vs. Atlanta
This game almost made it on the previous category but although I don’t trust the Jags, the Falcons looked ridiculously bad. Six sacks and two interceptions returned for a touchdown while scoring only three points against the Vikings. This is one of the games you pass on because you think that the point spread is too high and all of a sudden its 14-0 in the second quarter and you’re wishing you had thrown some scratch down on the game.

Pittsburg -10 vs. Buffalo
Although it was against the lowly Browns, Pittsburg looks like a team that’s going to be in the mix this year. As for Buffalo, they lost two defensive players last week and now they have JP Losman and a rookie running back in a tough road game this week. They Bills may be able to keep it close in the first half but the Steelers are going to blow the game open in the second half.

Cincinnati -8.5 at Cleveland
Two stats courtesy of the good people at Pro Football Weekly:

1. Cleveland is 1-12 vs. AFC North competition in head coach Romeo Crennel’s tenure.
2. Cincinnati outscored Cleveland 64-17 and out gained Cleveland 869-504 last season.

You can’t put this one on your bet card fast enough.

Chicago -13 vs. Kansas City
Last week’s drubbing by the hands of the Houston Texans confirmed the obvious: The Chiefs suck! Now they go on the road and face a 0-1 Bears team that’s still pissed off about losing to the Chargers last week. Unless Rex Grossman completely craps the bed, this one looks like an easy bet.

Speaking of Rexy, look what Ron Rivera told the Charger linebackers according to Matt Whilhelm: “He told us that Rex was kind of a mental midget so you can get into his head and create that doubt." Since I dubbed Adam Eaton a mental midget a few years ago can we just call this the Adam Eaton Hall of Fame? I nominate Adam Eaton, Rex Grossman, Eli Manning, and Chris Webber to be in the inaugural class.

And you know what? That’s still not enough to deter me from picking against the Bears.

And if you don’t think I’m throwing J’ville, Pittsburg, Cincy, and Chicago down on what will probably be the easiest four team parlay this season, you’re crazy.